So, gentlemen...
you try that foot lotion I gave you?
The one with the gorilla on the bottle? You know? The one...
Does it look like I tried it?
You did!
Hello? I'm here. Anyone home?
Hi! Is anyone in there?
- I'm coming! - Hey, I'm here!
- What the hell are you? - Hey!
I am the wisdom cube.
This one time three years ago, I broke my arm.
I was informed improperly that my keys were in a throttling woodchipper.
Alas, they were not. I shall never wear a cast again.
The itching drove me to the brink of insanity.
From now on, all my locks shall be keyless.
Who you talking to? Wait, move over, let me see.
I was saying, I broke my arm in a skiing accident. Busted this tree in half.
- But you just said... - I know the truth.
I ski sometimes in Vail. I'm allowed to. Okay? We have a house there.
I hardly even use it, but I'm there sometimes.
- Well, why... - And no keys.
- "F that, "I said. - In that case, why...
You should not ask me those types of questions.
I've all the wisdom in the universe. I won't sit here for eternity...
answering your dumb, tiny-minded questions.
So, deal with that.
- Then, what's... - Did I not say "the wisdom cube"?
He said it! I was here!
Maybe I'll wear a sticker around my chest since you're so hung up on labels.
- What's this old board doing here? - Don't ask!
No, ask, please!
- All right. What you doing? - Told you not to ask!
I'm here for some practical joke... Job interviews.
Pass me your phone, I need to make some long-distance calls.
Hello? Is this Jan Webster? It is?
Classic! It never gets old for me.
You have any phone books?
- I'm out of Webster's. - What? That's it?
You're not even gonna touch the Washingtons?
- I know. I saw them, too. Which page? - One page back. Right here.
That's right, yeah. You found it. I'll note that.
Hello? Is this A. Washington?
It is?
Yeah! Washington! You busted him!
- Let me try one! - I don't wanna do it anymore.
Get me a pallet of toilet paper. I've got a wise idea.
Come out, fat man! Come out and witness your demise!
He came out already. He had to go get one of them... What do you call it...
when you have to stay 100 feet away from...
- It's called a free beer next door. Come on! - All right!
- I said, "Come on!" - I came. Where are you?
- What are you doing? - You're scared now? What's up, wuss?
Say "Mother, may I, " then spell "cup. "
It says here that this wisdom cube is the wisest being in the universe...
and he travels the galaxies feeding off knowledge.
He be feeding off them microwave burritos, too.
- Those are gone? - There were six this morning.
There ain't none now. He's gassy, boy. Don't say nothing about him farting?
He's just doing that with his mouth.
Sometimes, the most brilliant people are the most eccentric.
Really? That's a dead-on impression of a butt.
Take me for instance. I'm brilliant.
Haven't you noticed how I like to wear this around occasionally...
and pretend like I've been bad?
No. But I have now.
You've seen me like this, right?
Yes! I have, I told you I did. I just...
I didn't know I was supposed to.
Let's change the subject.
Guess what else that cube did this morning?
- Look at that. He done TP'ed Carl's house. - I better go talk to him.
Yeah, you might just sort of take that thing off, too.
- Tell me I've been bad. - Yes, you've been acting up lately.
I'm sorry.
When he comes out here, hit him with the egg.
- Say... - Gotcha! Run!
Fight!
Do it! Fight! Come on! Fight!
- Don't worry, I know where he lives. - Yeah, okay.
You contain all wisdom and knowledge throughout the galaxy?
Yeah.
I've been struggling with this paradox.
If there is a God, then why is there so much suffering in the world?
Or did he just create us in his image out of egotism, or, what's the point?
Yeah.
That's all you got to say?
- Take a picture. It'll last longer. - What kind of response is that?
Why don't you sit down over there and let me tell you a story.
This one time, I ate boiled peanuts. Like a whole lot of them.
And I'd like to have got sick. You know what I mean?
I think I understand.
I'm not sure I'm getting the total grasp of what you're saying. If you...
What are you saying?
Keep honking. I'm reloading my gun.
That's not really the response I expected.
I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
- Anyway... - Horn broken? Watch for finger.
Okay, look at the time.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder, that's what I've heard.
- Don't want to cut you off. - Don't go! No, wait!
Work is for people who don't know how to fish!
Look! There's Carl!
Hold up, man!
- No. Don't come over here. - Don't go anywhere! Stay there!
- Very funny, now beam down my clothes. - Look, I'm sorry.
I'd love to stay here, but I gotta go over there with Carl...
- and spank him. - Shut up and fish!
No. I got nothing to say to you.
- Nothing personal. - Thank you.
Nice yard! It's nice!
How's that restraining order coming?
For your information, it's still tied up in the courts.
'Cause I don't have photographs of things like this thing you're doing with my butt.
What are you doing here? Stop doing it!
Wait, no. No, wait. Keep doing it.
Let me go get my camera!
Don't leave me, Carl! Otherwise, I gotta go talk to him.
Observe your yard, fatty!
Or you could go talk to him.
No way.
Yeah, you guys probably have a lot in common.
Look, he ain't my kind.
Guess what, Carl? He hates foreigners, too.
Nice yard. Take a look at it? Completely rolled. It's nice!
- What's he talking about? - I don't know.
Why don't you go find out? I need to go back inside.
I rolled it, fat man.
- Your yard. Check it out. - What's up?
Chicken butt.
- You ever heard that before? - Yeah, I heard it a lot.
- In the second grade. - It's a good one.
Could you define "good one," please?
Get me the business pages. I want to give someone the business.
I'll be inside. Away from you.
I gotta tell you. A little of that guy goes a long way.
You know, that's just so weird.
I can't believe that he's the all-knowing being of the universe.
Yeah, all-being. He's doing the 10-pound ball joke all wrong.
Is this the golf course? It is?
Do you have 10-pound balls? No? Then, how do you walk?
How do you walk with a regular?
That doesn't make sense any way you hear it.
Not to mention I unplugged the phone three hours ago.
He's just putting on a show.
Yeah, hi, we're watching you.
- Maybe that's it. Maybe it's postmodern. - Yeah, clearly from the village.
You! Come here! You got a couple hours?
Go ask him about the funny time he ate all the boiled peanuts.
- Is it funny? - I thought I'd laugh till I die.
- No, Meatwad, don't! - Are you kidding me?
You can't walk by him without getting locked into some conversation...
about what color he would paint his bedroom...
or that old chestnut, "How I broke my arm. "
- Let's go hear that one again! - I got nothing else going on.
- Hi, this one time. - No!
We're just gonna walk past him, don't make eye contact, and go to the pool.
Excuse me, sir?
Guys? Come on. Sir?
- Is he talking to us? - Meatwad, don't.
Yes.
Leave him, he's dead to us.
This one time I was watching this funny TVshow.
Can't really remember it, but it was really funny.
Then I had an idea for a dream vacation. I mean, I had the spread, okay?
The beach, the hotel, then I wrote all of this down.
Wrote it all down, really wrote it, like five pages.
- ... lost it. - You lost it?
You want a dream vacation? Forget it.
This old boy, he gave me a job mopping up late night at this children's apparel store.
He said I made worser mess than it was. That's discrimination.
I know what you mean. Because this one time, I ate boiled peanuts.
Yeah, this one time, I rented me a pressure washer, start this business...
Meatwad Pressure Washing...
but then I was told, "You've got to have a license. "
I says, "License? Hell, I ain't even supposed to be in this country. "
Then he got all mad.
Meatwad's smart enough to know how to get out of that gracefully, right?
- No, he's not. - Yeah, I know.
For the love of all that's holy, there's another one. Go under!
How's the drain? See what I'm talking about down there?
Hi, fella.
You all seen my cousin around here?
Telling this really long story about how he hurt his foot...
'cause he didn't wear shoes when he went to the bank?
Really? At the bank?
- This one time, he went to the bank... - No! He's right out front!
Hey, how's it going, "wisdom cube"?
I'm sorry. We didn't mean it. I'm the real wisdom cube.
This is my cousin, the dumbass Ahedratron.
- Say it, don't spray it. - We usually try to strap him down.
- Down clown town frown! - Shut up!
- So, you're the real wisdom cube! - Yeah.
The source of all knowledge and wisdom? You're him? The one?
So let me ask you: What's at the end? When we're dead, is it over?
Do we go to heaven, or hell, or rot in the ground?
Some things should not be known by mortals.
But I will leave you this flaming bag.
Whenever you need an answer for something...
when you feel you are truly ready...
put out this flame.
This flaming bag contains the answer?
Yeah, hunker down, you hairy dog.
Yep, hunker down, boy! That's what it says on this bumper sticker.
Bumper sticker? Let me see that!
- And now, we must leave you. - See you! Wouldn't wanna be you!
Put it out! Get the answer!
I don't know if I'm ready for the final answer.
- But you could be. - I'm ready for you to know.
Do it with your hands while we watch.
- Come on, put it out! - That'd be awesome.
- Man! - Jackass!
The oldest freaking gag in the book!
Man, if you want the final, final answer...
you should put it in your mouth.
- I think you're ready. - You son of a...
- See you later, suckers! - Come back here and say that!
Round down from the clown frown!
Fairy, blow it up.